He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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