...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
