I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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