I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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