you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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