I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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