Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
