I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
