i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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