We won't sleep together?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
