I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
