Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
