Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
