In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
