we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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