I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
