Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize