You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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