It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
