I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
