i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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