you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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