I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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