let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
love makes seman taste better
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
