I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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