hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Randomize
