grandma shit on top of the toilet
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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