also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Congratulations! We have a period
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