WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
