i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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