he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I checked into jail on foursquare
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
