Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize