Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize