sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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