Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
