I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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