Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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