im six kinds of drunk right now
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
