Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
