The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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