he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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