I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
