Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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