remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
