Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
