I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
