i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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