I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
