I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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