apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
