I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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