I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
