I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
