I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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