I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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