im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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