i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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