I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
