Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she pinky promised me she was 18
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
